So I posted a new blog last night – my first in a long, long time. You may have noticed though that it wasn’t posted on my normal blog. I know in the past I’ve posted about just starting new blogs to be done with the old one, etc. but that wasn’t the case here. I still have my other blog active, I just can’t use it right now. It wasn’t letting me save anything or insert media into my posts or do anything, really. I decided until I get it figured out, this will be my blog site. Maybe this will become my permanent blog site, who knows? Anyways, for all of you (if any of you even noticed?) thinking why the hell do you have ANOTHER new blog?! That’s why. As the title of this post (and of this blog) indicates… this is just for gits n shigs… shits and giggles.
I haven’t felt much like writing lately, honestly. Not just blogs, but writing in general. My depression has been getting ballsy and hanging out more often again even though it’s very much not welcome. There’s a song by a band I like and the opening line is “I walk a fine line between coping and insanity,” and that’s where I feel I’m at right now, to be honest. I don’t know. 2016 was a very hard year personally and it took a lot out of me. In the past I would’ve gone through stuff like that and tried to hide how I feel. I don’t have time for that any more. I don’t have the time or energy to hide how depressed and anxious I am. This is me. I have my issues. Take it or leave it. A lot of people don’t understand it and I know a lot of people are going to take it personally. I just want to say though, without trying to sound like an ass… it’s not about you. I know how it can seem from the outside, but it’s not you. Sometimes I just can’t handle things. Sometimes just getting out of bed or eating breakfast or running a comb through my hair are major accomplishments. Sometimes I celebrate small victories like actually making a decent lunch for myself or actually investing time to do something I want to do, like listening to music, reading, etc. That itself is large, as depression often clouds and makes unclear what I want and enjoy to do. Sometimes talking on the phone terrifies me. Sometimes when I see my phone light up from a phone call, text, or email, my anxiety kicks in even though I have nothing to be nervous about. It’s not a romanticized ideal of depression and anxiety that society sees. This is real. This is horrible.
A big part of depression, too, is the feeling of guilt. And doubt. For example, I just read back what I’ve written and I’m thinking to myself This is dumb, you’re dumb. Why say any of this, who cares? No one has time for your stupid feelings. I am just going to try and power through this and leave my text alone. Don’t pity me, though. In a weird kind of way, this feels good. Getting things off my chest and putting myself out there kind of relieves some pressure, lifts some weight from my shoulders. Being open about myself and my mental state is sort of liberating. I’m being honest about myself, I’m not letting anyone guilt me into feeling certain ways or shame me for feeling the way I do. Having depression, having a mental illness, sucks. But I will own it. The only person to control me is my demon(s). The only person to control them is me. I’m good.
Anyways, this wasn’t supposed to turn into a whole thing about my depression… my words just kind of got away from me. The point is that I do want to write more. I wrote a blog last night, so go read it if you’d like. If you don’t want to then that’s fine too. Also, go Patriots!